Learning to open up: Letting down the barriers

Musings

So as some of my more regular readers and Instagram followers may already be aware of… this little fam have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster recently. Yes from the outside and fleeting glimpses it may seem like our life has been at an all time high; Our Wedding Day was spectacular, we recently went on our Honeymoon and I have been remaining a strong Mama by seeing friends, finding time for myself and hoping to inspire empowerment in the Motherhood community. However behind the scenes we have been dealing with demons and although I have briefly touched upon how this has made me feel, I have not opened up about the cause of these feelings. Well ladies and gents… today is that day.

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So this is pretty tough as I have always been of the opinion that if I am to write in the aim of inspiring fellow Mamas who are struggling to keep it together, that I need to appear to be keeping it together myself; opening up about how hard things can get and how I am struggling to stay strong is surely not gong to help anyone right?!

Well… I think possibly I may have been wrong… because opening up is not a sign of weakness and in fact I truly believe that Mothers need to know that they are not alone in these dark moments and reaching out for support can be so empowering.

If I can plough on through and be strong then so can we all… together!

This community has been so amazing and supportive that I feel like I can finally get this out… and not be judged.

As some of you may not know, my husband is not the biological father of our little dude. I had known him for a few years though and we had dated previously and remained friends… until I fell pregnant!

I was in a pretty rough relationship with a guy that seemed to be a Prince Charming; he certainly had me, close friends and my family fooled. But that was very short lived and soon the cracks started to appear and after trying to make the relationship work after accidentally falling pregnant I soon realised that I didn’t want my child to be born into such an unstable and threatening environment.

Of course ending the relationship was the start of an even worse onslaught of threatening behaviour; long story short there was Police involvement and I was referred to a Domestic Abuse Counsellor during my pregnancy.

Through all of this horror though, my now husband reached out to me to give support and we soon fell in love.

We were very cautious at first for him to not grow too attached to the unborn life growing inside me but the situation with my ex never settled and in fact only ever got worse after little man was born and Robb cared for my son like he was his own.

It was love at first sight, he adored him.

And my perfect little boy adore him too. He was his Daddy.

This was a long time ago… small man is nearly three now and his biological Father had never even met him until a month ago. NOTE: I should point out that I had never EVER stopped this happening, I obviously (due to the immense threats he had made and safeguarding issues) only asked that he see him in a contact centre initially so that I knew me and my child would be safe from harm; of course this was not met with an overtly happy response.

The dark cloud surpassed after a while and the calm after the storm commenced and we finally thought that maybe he had given up with the abuse and was retreating to grow as a person and mature before later down the line resurfacing. Or had realised the error of his ways and sought solace in knowing little dude was in a happy and loving family home with role models, family and friends galore and needed nothing more than that.

There was still shadow though, of course we knew there always would be; but we hoped it would stay in the shadows and never come to light.

Me and my amazing night in shining armour, were due to be married on March 18th 2017 and just before Christmas we received news on the grapevine that the ex was planning to take me to court.

The court date arrived in the post this January: March 21st 2017.

3 days after our Wedding Day.

The black cloud that we thought had finally disappeared… had returned. And with ferocity.

Our Wedding Day was glorious and we were lost in the happiness of the day and tried to push the impending stress to one side.

The day of reckoning came and although it was a total success in a way, as of course the court saw the safeguarding issues due to my ex’s behaviour during my pregnancy and were aware of the Police involvement, so agreed to contact on a Contact Centre only basis to start with (which is what I had been fighting for all along) it still meant that, in my husbands eyes, his role as Daddy was being taken away from him and handed to a human being that has caused us nothing but pain over the years.

Of course we all know that this is not true at all, he will always be his Daddy and nothing will change that, but he struggled to see this. I think he still struggles to see this.

He hid it well for a while as he knew he needed to support me through the whole process, but eventually we knew…

Depression.

So now, after just three months of marriage, we are struggling and fighting our way to the other side of this horrible illness.

It is a toxicity that strikes with such hurt at times and can be so nasty and selfish.

It is an illness that is so unjust and unfair. We were so happy. We still are at times.

Everyone asks me… “how is married life then?!” and I have to lie. I have to say “yeah… great… just the same really…”

But it is not the same… we are in the midst of a storm cloud that we are trying our hardest to clear.

It is something that we both know neither of us has caused, it is neither of our faults, yet neither of us can really do anything about it other than to try and fight our way through. Together. 

There are glimmers of the man I married but at times when the toxicity strikes it feels like I am living with someone else.

We were the perfect couple you know; we ARE the perfect couple.

So in love.

So much laughter and joy in spending time together, with friends, as a little family and just chilling at home stuffing our faces with food and films!

THIS is what we are trying to get back… back to how we ARE.

We have seen a doctor, the Mr has been prescribed medication and is looking for a Counsellor, so the road to clarity and happiness is definitely in sight but I know it is going to be tough.

The first day of our honeymoon I received some pretty horrendous news, caused by this horrible illness (but by no means an excuse) which cut me to the core and to be honest put quite a damper on our time there.

One of our friends, my close friends, that I had invited to my hen do and would have girlie nights in with just us… had betrayed me and my husband. She betrayed our trust and friendship. When we needed her support through this horrible time, when she knew we were fighting this harsh illness, she lost sight of her morals, any morals, and did something that could have potentially destroyed our marriage and family and has destroyed friendships.

(Im not going to go into depth with this one as it is not necessary… )

But we are strong.

I am a fighter.

I AM STRONG.

It is SO tough at times and I frequently find myself breaking down on tears. But I pick myself up as I know my family needs me.

The hardest thing is just wanting the fairytale life that I thought was finally ready for me when we got married… it seems in these three short months everything has cascaded on top of me.

But we WILL break through.

We WILL let the sunshine back in.

I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to a few amazing people who have really been my saviours in lifting me through this time…

Firstly and most importantly my absolutely incredible best friend Carly Stirling

Lauren from Dilan and Me who didn’t even know about any of the above but still recognised that this Mama needed a lift so sent me a surprise gift to lift my soul from her ‘We Are Enough’ merch… that seriously touched me so thank you ❤

And lastly, and most recently I met an incredibly strong Mama who has also been fighting her own demons and has been so super supportive whenever she recognised I needed a lift. Sophie from Sophobsessed you are SUCH a beauty and I am so glad I met you!

Have you ever been through anything like this? Have you been struggling to open up about your demons? Do you need to reach out for support or just to get things off your chest? 

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18 thoughts on “Learning to open up: Letting down the barriers

  1. Oh I can relate to this way too much. Small girl’s daddy isn’t her biological father ,but like your situation has been daddy since day one ….other guy ,truly horrific abusive relationship. We did family court and all our lives were turned totally upside down,we all felt it -for a good year or so until things stabilised. The kids biological father pops in and out ,each time causing us all trauma ,but it did get easier to deal with.
    Small girl is 9 now and my situation is different as in her daddy and I are not in a relationship but he has shared residence and they have the best relationship. Whoops have gone on a bit there! Just really resonated with me as for talking things through that’s why I love blogging much,getting out of head onto paper (or screen) really helps ,hope it starts to ease for you all soon xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awwwww very similar situation then… i mean Ive made my peace with it and am happy wth the way things are plodding along with the use of the contact centre etc… my personal problem will arise when we have to go to mediation and arrange contact between ourselves rather than in the centre… this is a long way off but it worries me! My husband I think would benefit from our second child that we are planning to try for soon but he also wants to wait until his head is in a better place… catch 22 i suppose on that one! Its a cathartic process writing… and the response has been great so Im really glad I got it all out! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Glad it’s helped you a little bit. It’s just a case of dealing with things as they arise I suppose rather than worry about what could happen

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I admire you so much for opening up about everything that’s happened – this is something I find so hard to do, I tend to bottle up and put a positive face on. It’s much braver to share your story as it really is, and more helpful for others who may be experiencing similar situations. I hope your situation gets better, you’ve all suffered some horrible experiences. The important thing is that you’re supporting each other and working together to find a way through. I don’t think anybody in reality has a fairytale life, it doesn’t exist! There are fairytale moments that make all the bad times worthwhile. Sorry I just rambled on for ages!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my goodness you have really been through it hun – I must admit the references to bad things going down were making me worry for you and your new married life. I’m sure by opening up you’ll get loads of support which will help you. Just make sure you take good care of yourself and that lil famalam which you love so dearly. I think in dark times the kids are the ones who keep everyone smiling so just make sure that wedding day hat wearing dude carries you all through xxx
    Thanks for sharing with #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have had so much support yes… its been amazing actually and quite unexpected! I was so worried when I first posted but nw I am confident that I made the right decision and can inspire others to open up emotionally too… that it is not a weakness! Awwwww yes my little Wedding Day hat wearer is always full of smiles to keep us happy! ❤

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  4. I think you choosing t open up is way more inspiring and empowering than being a social media mama that always looks as though they have their sh*t together and a perfect sparkly life. Sometimes those mamas are inspiring but also far too often quite intimidating. Thank you

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh gosh – what a battle. Thanks for sharing.
    My husband is adopted. Blood doesn’t make you a father or a daddy. That comes from love, but also for being there for the shit bits as well as the more fun times. #stayclassymama

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so pleased that you felt like you could open up and share. As a regular follower on Insta, I had wondered about your situation, and seeing all the pieces put together makes me fully appreciate the tough times you’ve come through and continue to experience. I wish you all the best for the future – from the sounds of it, I know you’ll be strong enough to get your family to where it needs to be. I admire you hugely and I’ll hopefully be tagging along in your journey some more (on Insta, not in a creepy sort of way!) , if you’ll have me. #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much… Awwwww! I am so glad I have inspired you enough to want to be a regular follower of my IG lovely! I feel honoured! Thank you so much… it is hard but I am sure my strength can get us through this (even at the times when I do not feel strong at all…) Of course I will have you! Haha! ❤

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  7. Oh Rebecca you and your gorgeous family have clearly been through so much. It is tough when you are in the thick of it all to think that you will ever get out but you will. The good thing is that you are both seeking help rather than standing back and letting this destroy you and I am confident that your love for each other and your little man will see you through in the end. Don’t give up my love, not now when you have already fought so hard. Sending you lots of virtual hugs and thinking of you all. #coolmumclub

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Jo… we are definitely trying to conquer the terrible issues we have faced recently… just can’t seem to catch a break! The light is definitely at the end of the tunnel but it seems so far away right now… ❤

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  8. I’m so sorry to read this. Your strength sure is being put to the test but I believe and hope that you and your husband pull through and re-start living the fairytale you so deserve soon. Thank you for sharing with #StayClassyMama. It ‘s always a pleasure to read your posts. x

    Liked by 1 person

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