So as some of my more regular readers and Instagram followers may already be aware of… this little fam have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster recently. Yes from the outside and fleeting glimpses it may seem like our life has been at an all time high; Our Wedding Day was spectacular, we recently went on our Honeymoon and I have been remaining a strong Mama by seeing friends, finding time for myself and hoping to inspire empowerment in the Motherhood community. However behind the scenes we have been dealing with demons and although I have briefly touched upon how this has made me feel, I have not opened up about the cause of these feelings. Well ladies and gents… today is that day.
So this is pretty tough as I have always been of the opinion that if I am to write in the aim of inspiring fellow Mamas who are struggling to keep it together, that I need to appear to be keeping it together myself; opening up about how hard things can get and how I am struggling to stay strong is surely not gong to help anyone right?!
Well… I think possibly I may have been wrong… because opening up is not a sign of weakness and in fact I truly believe that Mothers need to know that they are not alone in these dark moments and reaching out for support can be so empowering.
If I can plough on through and be strong then so can we all… together!
This community has been so amazing and supportive that I feel like I can finally get this out… and not be judged.
As some of you may not know, my husband is not the biological father of our little dude. I had known him for a few years though and we had dated previously and remained friends… until I fell pregnant!
I was in a pretty rough relationship with a guy that seemed to be a Prince Charming; he certainly had me, close friends and my family fooled. But that was very short lived and soon the cracks started to appear and after trying to make the relationship work after accidentally falling pregnant I soon realised that I didn’t want my child to be born into such an unstable and threatening environment.
Of course ending the relationship was the start of an even worse onslaught of threatening behaviour; long story short there was Police involvement and I was referred to a Domestic Abuse Counsellor during my pregnancy.
Through all of this horror though, my now husband reached out to me to give support and we soon fell in love.
We were very cautious at first for him to not grow too attached to the unborn life growing inside me but the situation with my ex never settled and in fact only ever got worse after little man was born and Robb cared for my son like he was his own.
It was love at first sight, he adored him.
And my perfect little boy adore him too. He was his Daddy.
This was a long time ago… small man is nearly three now and his biological Father had never even met him until a month ago. NOTE: I should point out that I had never EVER stopped this happening, I obviously (due to the immense threats he had made and safeguarding issues) only asked that he see him in a contact centre initially so that I knew me and my child would be safe from harm; of course this was not met with an overtly happy response.
The dark cloud surpassed after a while and the calm after the storm commenced and we finally thought that maybe he had given up with the abuse and was retreating to grow as a person and mature before later down the line resurfacing. Or had realised the error of his ways and sought solace in knowing little dude was in a happy and loving family home with role models, family and friends galore and needed nothing more than that.
There was still shadow though, of course we knew there always would be; but we hoped it would stay in the shadows and never come to light.
Me and my amazing night in shining armour, were due to be married on March 18th 2017 and just before Christmas we received news on the grapevine that the ex was planning to take me to court.
The court date arrived in the post this January: March 21st 2017.
3 days after our Wedding Day.
The black cloud that we thought had finally disappeared… had returned. And with ferocity.
Our Wedding Day was glorious and we were lost in the happiness of the day and tried to push the impending stress to one side.
The day of reckoning came and although it was a total success in a way, as of course the court saw the safeguarding issues due to my ex’s behaviour during my pregnancy and were aware of the Police involvement, so agreed to contact on a Contact Centre only basis to start with (which is what I had been fighting for all along) it still meant that, in my husbands eyes, his role as Daddy was being taken away from him and handed to a human being that has caused us nothing but pain over the years.
Of course we all know that this is not true at all, he will always be his Daddy and nothing will change that, but he struggled to see this. I think he still struggles to see this.
He hid it well for a while as he knew he needed to support me through the whole process, but eventually we knew…
So now, after just three months of marriage, we are struggling and fighting our way to the other side of this horrible illness.
It is a toxicity that strikes with such hurt at times and can be so nasty and selfish.
It is an illness that is so unjust and unfair. We were so happy. We still are at times.
Everyone asks me… “how is married life then?!” and I have to lie. I have to say “yeah… great… just the same really…”
But it is not the same… we are in the midst of a storm cloud that we are trying our hardest to clear.
It is something that we both know neither of us has caused, it is neither of our faults, yet neither of us can really do anything about it other than to try and fight our way through. Together.
There are glimmers of the man I married but at times when the toxicity strikes it feels like I am living with someone else.
We were the perfect couple you know; we ARE the perfect couple.
So in love.
So much laughter and joy in spending time together, with friends, as a little family and just chilling at home stuffing our faces with food and films!
THIS is what we are trying to get back… back to how we ARE.
We have seen a doctor, the Mr has been prescribed medication and is looking for a Counsellor, so the road to clarity and happiness is definitely in sight but I know it is going to be tough.
The first day of our honeymoon I received some pretty horrendous news, caused by this horrible illness (but by no means an excuse) which cut me to the core and to be honest put quite a damper on our time there.
One of our friends, my close friends, that I had invited to my hen do and would have girlie nights in with just us… had betrayed me and my husband. She betrayed our trust and friendship. When we needed her support through this horrible time, when she knew we were fighting this harsh illness, she lost sight of her morals, any morals, and did something that could have potentially destroyed our marriage and family and has destroyed friendships.
(Im not going to go into depth with this one as it is not necessary… )
But we are strong.
I am a fighter.
I AM STRONG.
It is SO tough at times and I frequently find myself breaking down on tears. But I pick myself up as I know my family needs me.
The hardest thing is just wanting the fairytale life that I thought was finally ready for me when we got married… it seems in these three short months everything has cascaded on top of me.
But we WILL break through.
We WILL let the sunshine back in.
I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to a few amazing people who have really been my saviours in lifting me through this time…
Firstly and most importantly my absolutely incredible best friend Carly Stirling…
Lauren from Dilan and Me who didn’t even know about any of the above but still recognised that this Mama needed a lift so sent me a surprise gift to lift my soul from her ‘We Are Enough’ merch… that seriously touched me so thank you ❤
And lastly, and most recently I met an incredibly strong Mama who has also been fighting her own demons and has been so super supportive whenever she recognised I needed a lift. Sophie from Sophobsessed you are SUCH a beauty and I am so glad I met you!
Have you ever been through anything like this? Have you been struggling to open up about your demons? Do you need to reach out for support or just to get things off your chest?